Tynemouth Priory Land to be Developed

1st April 2024 by Penbal Wizard

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Council leaders have stated that the historic Tynemouth Priory and Castle is finally going to be developed. Having stood for almost 1000 years, engineers claim it has become dangerously unstable and has clearly outlasted its original design intentions. What was once one of the largest fortified areas in England, the crumbling relic has now succumbed to nature and the planners are moving swiftly to prevent anyone being hurt due to potential collapse of masonry.

The plan is for the area to be cleared in the summer and building to start on luxury apartments, with the former Coastguard station also being demolished and the area being touted as a casino and hotel complex to rival anything currently in Newcastle. This will be the first residential use of the headland since the site was home to a small row of houses and a military barracks in the 1960s.

A local person was overheard to support the demolition: “Well the Castle’s in bad shape isn’t it, the windows are gone and the pointing needs fixing. Probably getting rid of it is for the best like. If they don’t build flats then they should just turn it into a massive car park for more cars and that”.

Plans for the demolition include utilising the fabled tunnels that travel underneath the Priory to lay the approximate 3,000 tonnes of explosives which would be required to bring down the long standing ruins in a controlled blast which will likely be visible as far as Carlisle. The rubble could then simply be pushed off the cliffs and into the sea. Sources close to Penbal understand that such a historic occasion will be witnessed by local dignitaries and, befitting a burial place of kings, the Geordie royalty, including Sting, Jimmy Nail, Cheryl and Robson Green, to name just a few of the stars who will be invited.

An artist’s impression of the proposed development is shown and I’m sure you’ll agree it will be a vast improvement.

We will of course report on any further details as we hear them. It is sad news, but times move on.